Thankful for “Nothing” in Chile

I look at people on the busy Santiago streets. Some are smiling, others scowling, all trying to do their best. Each day brings different worries including how to prepare for days to come. I do not know what the scowling person’s worry is, but I’ve been there too. Some of these people are occupied with the same thoughts as me. I remember when my grandma fell and I went to see her in the hospital. She had to spend days in that room, so I wanted to stay too. It was Thanksgiving and I didn’t want her to be alone. By the last day, she was worried about me worrying about her too much. I came down with the flu and added stress to my ailing grandma who should have been recovering peacefully.

I reflect on when I graduated college with five digits in credit card debt and the stress that ridiculed me. With goals to travel the world and represent the poor and marginalized, I knew that I wouldn’t pay down this debt easily. I took an office job in St. Louis, Missouri instead, pushing my dreams off to another day. I remember when I injured my Achilles tendon from overtraining for a marathon. The WHOLE purpose of training is to be prepared. I had been so worried about the race that I didn’t consider the how the process affects the outcome as well. In these three situations it is the worrying that changed action and sometimes created a worse result than if I had not tried to do anything in the first place.

I take time to consider the smiling people in Santiago, instead of the scowlers. The smiling people must have the same hopes, fears, and obligations. But they don’t seem to show the burden. Perhaps they know how this type of stress can consume you so they smile in spite of it all. These strangers make me realize that maybe my grandma would have been happier if she saw me happy. While I dug my way out of the debt dollar by dollar, I could have spread more joy in the office. And finally, my body healed from my over-training error. But it would have been better had I listened to my body in the first place. I recognize that there were consequences to all this worry and so I resolve… I’ll not let the “what if” and “maybe so” lead my life anymore. I’ll reflect on how I survived loss before and still, I exist. It’s springtime in Chile while it’s Thanksgiving in the United States.

I’m in a park above the city and the people here are showing me that I have the choice to make. I can let my mind reel over the decision of whether to upheave my life and move overseas, carefully thinking of different decision branches I could take. I’m not letting my mind take this path. The consequences of the worry are too dire. Instead I’m sitting in this park and taking in what is around. I am being thankful of the things I’ve overcome. At this moment I can settle my mind on the landscape and nothing breeds worry. There is nothing that I won’t survive. There is nothing that can stop me from existing. There is nothing that has control over me. This is the moment, and the view, and the people that I’m taking with me. From this place I am a part of the smiling people.

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