India freed me

India.

First stop: Goa.

On my 3rd day in Goa, something significant happened- I lost the backplate of the locket I had been carrying which said ‘I carry your heart in my heart’. The locket was in memory of the baby I couldnt keep, but couldnt let go of in my heart. Other than this one ocassion, my locket has never come undone and despite the gems inside being very small, I found them straight away. I hadnt come to India for a spiritual realisation, but I did find it strange that I was so calm and I did feel a sudden urge to say goodbye. For whatever reason, that night I lit a lantern for my babygirl, I took the angel wings out of my locket, attached it to the lantern and set it off. It was as though she was saying to me ‘you dont have to carry me around anymore’. Her father who had once been my soulmate and best friend was also somewhere in India, but not on talking terms with me, so I didnt know where. I whispered as the lantern took off ‘you can probably see your daddy too-wave goodbye.We love you.’

 

Second stop: Hampi.

On my first day in Hampi, I walked to the Virupaksha temple in tears. There was no logical reason for my tears, but I was standing in the ruins of a place which had once been so prosperous and rich, but was now literally, rubble. Everyone was lost in how beautiful it is now and all I could think about is how it must have been before it fell. On my 2nd day in Hampi, I began climbing it’s famous boulders to watch the sunset. I almost gave up, but a lady who was also on her way up encouraged me to continue. When I got to the top, it was so worth it. I realised two things- 1. This was my life now. Seeing beautiful places, surrounded by amazing people. What ‘could have been’ had disappeared and the reality was now. I had to live it the fullest I could. 2. If I had have given up at the bottom of the boulder, I’d have missed out on one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. I wouldn’t have seen that sunset and I wouldnt have learned that the lady Id met at the bottom was more than 20 years older than me and had sold her house in Canada to travel- no plans, no fallbacks, just a dream and a backpack of courage.

 

This was the beginning of my journey in India. The two moments I have shared were the two points at which I 1.let go and 2.decided to move on without fear. At every step of the way throughout my time in India, I was met with encouragement and inspiration; From the local people, from the backpackers and tourists around me, from the children and the adults. I cannot explain it in a million words, let alone 500, but something about India is magical. It seems as though everywhere you go, there is beauty right in front of you, in every form you can imagine, its almost overwhelming. The paradox of poverty and rich land is astounding and the kindness of people breathtaking. Everyone works hard, everyone smiles. Back home, I have ‘anxiety disorder’, ‘agoraphobia’ and ‘muscle and nerve damage’ listed as reasons why I havent been able to leave the house, take a bus, stay on my feet too long or carry anything. In India, I walked miles, took sleeper buses alone and carried my backpack across rice fields and up stairs. I faced my fears of bikes and of getting ill abroad. I lost sentimental things and learnt to be okay. I spent Ghandi day in the mountains of Tamil Nadu and by pure chance, was welcomed into a temple, taught how to pray during a service and blessed. I definitely returned home a different person, with true freedom. I thought I was free before but the truth was I didnt know how to face myself and my own fears regularly prevented me from experiencing life as fully as I could have otherwise. I noticed when I got home from this trip, I was jumping feet first into situations I’d usually avoid. I suddenly thrived on things I found challenging or that scared me and the more I proved to myself I can do things, the more I realised its all just in my head and always has been. I had become brave. Seeing all those people of all creeds working hard, defying odds and chasing dreams changed my life forever. Thank you India.

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