Brave Girl in 15A over the Ocean

 

 

 Brave Girl in 15A over the Ocean

Seeing the bullfights in Portugal (they don’t kill the bull, mostly), dancing the tango in Argentina, diving the reefs in Australia all have one thing in common for a girl from Illinois.  First she has to get there.  If you want to head out across this big blue world, so will you.  Unless you have an outrigger crew or a ticket on the next QE2, you may find yourself buckled in beside me as we zip along great circle routes at 600 miles per hour.

On the off chance there is a newsworthy airline emergency, I will be more valuable than all your platinum frequent flyer miles.  Why?  Because I have studied those laminated safety cards in the seat pocket in front of you on every flight I have ever flown, I have looked up from my in-flight magazine to see how to pull the elastic to tighten oxygen masks, and I know that the closest exit may be behind you.

I became a serious student of airline safety when my babies started flying with me.  They became my singular focus on every trip, like a bear protecting her cubs. Every flight had me running mental non-stop disaster scenes, but I did not want my children to develop agoraphobia, so I got proactive and started educating them and myself about airplane safety. I had them count the rows to the nearest exit, point to the other exits, and find their flotation devices.  They were not unduly concerned, and I certainly become calmer about flying.  It was just what we did, our routine, like buckling your seat belt, with the fit tight and low or opening the window shade at takeoff.  With tray tables stowed and locked and our seat backs in their upright position, we cheerfully headed up into the sky.

Now my children sit in exit rows solo, which means that I have had decades of thinking about the life vest stowed in the compartment under my seat, knowing with calm assurance that if it does not inflate upon tab pulling you can just hyperventilate into the little plastic tube.  All this knowledge was gained while 99% of other passengers were preoccupied doing important things like playing computer solitaire or chatting up the blonde in 38D.

Nope, I am not afraid of flying.  Even though I know that smoke is the number one killer in crashes, I have visions of staying calm in those nasty smoke-filled scenarios helping other people’s babies, besides those in-pocket safety card scenes are so reassuring.  All the little passengers are so well-groomed.  There are no flames, it is broad daylight, and the passengers, with enviable posture, are in perfect alignment with arms crossed as they jump onto the bright yellow slide.  No panic in sight, which is a good thing, because I can’t imagine how instructions with a real crash scene would go over. The cards should say in caps, YOUR CHANCES ARE NIL, but I would be laughing at my own joke, because as we know, nobody looks at those things anyway.

I am brave, but as an added bonus of protection I pray.  Sometimes during routine take off s and landings, or if I awaken, say, at 2 A.M. realizing that we are on a flight plan directly over the Amazon, and I start to think of the piranha there waiting in the dark.  Well, that is just long-haul dehydration playing mind tricks, but in a true emergency you can bet I will be praying hard for help from a higher being, which would be pretty high, since we are already at 41,000 ft.

I got the prayer idea from my parents.  Once during a night flight home they got an upgrade to first class which was marred by the worst turbulence of their lives.  Everyone was clutching their armrests or each other’s arms, putting their palms over hearts to keep from crying or over wine glasses to keep their cabernet from sloshing out. A curious sound was heard between the instructions coming from the cockpit and the claps of thunder.  A passenger was snoring.  A man of  God, a visiting Cardinal flying from DCA to STL.  Totally at peace.  My parents, and presumably, most of the other passengers learned a few lessons on that white-knuckle flight.  Lesson.  Be ready to meet your Maker.  Lesson.  Request white wine.

Yes, I have prayer and preparation on my side.  I am prepared to put my oxygen mask on first, then attend to others, remembering that the mask might not become fully inflated, but oxygen will still be flowing.  I plan on getting out of any smoke-filled cabin pronto, so relax, leave your personal belongings behind, and take my hand. You will not have to follow the escape path lighting alone.

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