I could always hear the Sea calling, the ebb and flow of the waves, playing like an omnipresent lullabye; gently humming in the background of every significant scene of my life.
The death of my mother, the long talks with my father, birthdays and kisses, even heartbreaks.
My heart had been broken before, but this last time was different somehow. Perhaps it was because I was at a crossroad with my life and keenly aware that each decision (or non decision) I made would define my future. Somewhere along the way I ceased to marvel at life’s fleeting moments and I needed to be awed by simple pleasures again. Each day blended into the next with no spice or flavor to proclaim the novelty of existence to the point I could not find evidence, except the pain of heartbreak, that I wasn’t lost in a dream.
I had to escape.
It was time to go and and it was instinctual like a child knows the sound of it’s mother voice or the acceptance that tomorrow is never promised.
The prison I’d designed was built from baseless fears surrounding survival and security and it was rooted down deep in my psyche.
Freedom isn’t convenient and doesn’t offer any comfort of the familiar, nor assurance of a safe return. Explorers and travelers know that choosing freedom means confronting the very makeup of ones soul and that such a journey will inevitably change every molecule of one’s entire being.
On impulse I bought a one way ticket to Costa Rica.
I wanted to release my clutter, I gave away all my worldly possessions. I visited my mother’s grave to ask for her blessings on a sunny day, while hummingbirds whizzed past my head.
Hummingbirds are the messenger of spirits, I read somewhere once, I took it as a good sign and that gave me courage.
Waiting for the plane, my fears played upon my emotions and resulted in a racing heart and sweaty palms. As a young woman traveling solo for the first time out of the United States, there were a plethora of fears to choose from and I danced around each as a dancer around a fire.
What if the hostel I booked fell through? What if I get lonely? What if get hurt? What if…
“Fear attracts predators,” I remember my father once said. “Even if everything is falling apart around you, wear a smile, play a guitar and relax and you’ll attract adventurers.”
Once my foot hit the sand of Cocles Beach in Puerto Viejo, Limon, I crumbled before the vision of the sea, like shipwreck survivor finally arriving on land. The sun was setting so magnificently I forgot to breathe and I looked down to process the moment. I saw peeking from the white sand, a shiny 500 colones, as if to say, “congratulations brave one, wonders await.”
I laid in the sand until the stars replaced the clouds and the flies began to bite me. I belonged to the sea now, fully and completely and knew I could no longer live a conventional life as I had before. I had no plans, but just to be present in the moment and reflect upon acquiring peace and worshiping the beauty of my surroundings.
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